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In the interests of making amends

Mar. 12th, 2007 | 10:35 pm
location: FUCK YOU HAOLE
mood: blahblah
music: Homeworld 2 battle track # 1

and just to prove that it's not all me whining about Kristin apparently having nothing but contempt for my feelings, here is a picture of me being molested by Chelsea at her birthday party!

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(no subject)

Mar. 7th, 2007 | 12:32 am

You pick up the phone, and I don't know what to say any more.

So what are we now? Are we just friends? Are we still something more? I want you to know that I still love you, but I feel like I can't just tell you any more.

We talked today, and it was awkward and painful. I left that call feeling sick and depressed again, and I don't like that.

Do you know what I miss? I miss feeling smug when my friends talked of relationship issues, knowing that there was a girl (a young woman? do i even know what to call you?), however many thousand miles away who loved me, and whom I was ready to do nearly anything for. I miss the anticipation of seeing you, eagerly counting down the days (even though I didn't want school to end because I loved it so much) until you and I could be, well, practically alone.

I miss Hawaii. I miss sitting in the car next to you, wanting to hold your hand but being too embarrassed to. I miss feeling like we have to be discrete, but not wanting to. I miss the weird food, I miss that little voice saying somewhere, deep down inside me, that these are people I could get to like. People I could get to know.

I even miss your cousin calling me white boy, a little.

I miss feeling good about this fucking life.

***

Remember that time when we were first dating, and you were upset, and angry, and you took it out on me? When I was hurt, and depressed, and I avoided you, and finally you realized what you were doing was cruel and wrong, and you found the courage to catch up to me and explain to me what was wrong? Remember when I did my best to help you, because I could understand that you were going a little crazy and you needed someone who could weather what you threw at them and could forgive you?

Do you remember that? Because I do. Understanding isn't forgiving and I don't think I've ever really forgiven you for the way you treated me. But I looked past that, because down inside you was a person that I loved. Down inside you was someone that I felt something unique for, and that I didn't want to lose.

And so I worry that what I'm going through is just that again, and that again you're just hurting me because you're afraid and your life is changing and you're not sure what you're going to do. I wonder, "is this worth it?" and there isn't even hesitation. "Yes."

***

And I because can't tell you these things, here I am - taking the coward's way out. Writing them on my Livejournal like some barely pubescent girl whining about how daddy doesn't love her because he won't buy her that new 500$ piece of whatever. Hoping you're maybe listening. Maybe reading.

But I think this is stupid. So I'm going to write you a letter, and that letter going to be written in my hand, and it's going to be just like that letter you wrote to me two years ago just near Christmas on cute colorful stationary (the same one that is sitting in my bag right now, always near to me). I don't know what I'm going to write yet, but I do know that this letter is going to explain things to you that I can't say in person, or even over the phone or AIM. Words, after all, come easily to me. Sometimes.

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Erlkönig!

Nov. 21st, 2006 | 02:09 am
mood: chipperchipper
music: Derby - Sunk A Few

I want Göthe's historical time-travel babies.

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I'm too busy to see you; you're to busy to wait

Nov. 15th, 2006 | 12:35 pm
music: The Pillows - We Have Theme Song!

Looking at the current course schedule I have set before me, I'm actually pretty excited about it all. It's not like next semester is going to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys high on crack cocaine, but more like I am taking nothing but classes I either HAVE to take (oh German) but don't mind taking, or classes I REALLY want to take. Because let me tell you, World War I? so much cooler than World War 2.

(It pretty well amuses me when Mozilla informs me I've misspelled cocaine, on a bit of a tangential note)

Anyways, the schedule that I am planning on assuming is pretty straightforward, and it is as follows.

Montag
9:10-10:10: Hist 131-01: Historical Inquiries: World War 1
10:20-11:20: Germ 232-01: Intermediate German II
11:30-12:30: Phys-221-01: Introductory Physics

Dienstag
9:40-11:10: CS-231-01: Introduction to Programming
2:30-4:00: CS-231Y-01: Introduction to Programming (lab)

Mittwoch
9:10-10:10: Hist 131-01: Historical Inquiries: World War 1
10:20-11:20: Germ 232-01: Intermediate German II
11:30-12:30: Phys-221-01: Introductory Physics
1:50-4:50: Phys-221Y-02: Introductory Physics (lab)

Donnerstag
9:40-11:10: CS-231-01: Introduction to Programming
2:30-4:00: CS-231Y-01: Introduction to Programming (lab)
Fritag
9:10-10:10: Hist 131-01: Historical Inquiries: World War 1
10:20-11:20: Germ 232-01: Intermediate German II
11:30-12:30: Phys-221-01: Introductory Physics

Why am I bothering to tell you? That's an excellent question, and one to which I have no answer! Maybe there's someone on my friends list that's been waiting for like, ages for me to post something on my eLJay, and this'll make their day. I dunno.

In other news, RAWK OUT! guitar hero's a lot of fun.

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(no subject)

Oct. 15th, 2006 | 10:19 pm
music: SUPERCAR - Drive

At times, when depression doth loom,
its ugly head shrouded in drapéd gloom;
when the sky doth scowl
and rage -
               and tear -
                                and storm most foul
when all my life seems dour and grey,
and time does naught but wither away
when all is sadness, melancholy and fear
and release
                   - sweet release!
                                         - is nowhere near;
At times like these, I sit and write
emo poems, long into the night.

And because they're silly
and I make stupid rhymes, willy-nilly,
they make me feel better.


beat THAT, emo bitches.

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The musings of the times when I should be showering

Oct. 6th, 2006 | 09:46 am
location: my dorm room
mood: awakeawake
music: Orange Range - Shanghai Honey

You know, every school (by which I mean College or Universität) has shirts for parents. you know, "my son goes to Willamette University" or "I'm breaking the bank to send my kid to private school!" or somesuch. And yes, it's a large segment of those in some way related to the school who would like shirts like that. But this, for me, raises the question of a niche that is being completely ignored: those of us with significant others at schools that we do not ourselves attend! It'd be the ultimate kind of pathetic merching to wear a shirt that said something like "my girlfriend goes to carnegie mellon!" on it. Also I need clean clothing.

Even better, if it were from the SCS, it would have a dragon on it.

Whoosh.

Anyways, off to shower! And then I shall SUMMON CTHULHU in a singularly unpleasant manner.

By which i mean go to class.

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& output: ('hello world','');

Oct. 3rd, 2006 | 10:59 pm
mood: crazycrazy
music: nothing! nothing? nothing.

Kristin, I need your mailing address, if you'd be so kind as to provide me with it?

Also, totally avoided thinking about you today, except for one moment when I wished to god that the annoying girl next to me on the bus would die and be replaced by you. Day went... well, agonizingly slowly, but regardless, high hopes for my german test. (Unless there's a sentence inolving, y'know "schwarzer Rock," and then I go "hmm, Kristin has several black skirts" and then i go "Hmm, I totally [CENSORED CENSORED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CENSORED FOR THE SANITY OF ALL!]")

Anyways.

Töt!
Tags:

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High Life

Sep. 30th, 2006 | 07:27 pm
mood: disappointeddisappointed
music: Nothing I'd call music

There was once a time when I had made great plans for this weekend. Among other things, I was to finish drawing and coloring two comiccs for "dolphin's folly" and then send them to a certain someone. I, after all, had nothing better to do, right?

Well, a day came, and went, and none of that got done.

Suck.
Tags: , ,

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84; also, life

Sep. 28th, 2006 | 09:37 am
location: dorm room
mood: chipperchipper

Time, as a certain artist is fond of singing, marches on. Ordinarily I'm awake about an hour and a half before this, because I usually have an english class at 9:40. Today, however, I've been blessed with a teacher who is out of town, no TA, and so, no class.

Despression and issues with friends here at school aside, Life is Good!

(here's hoping my anus doesn't start bleeding)

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Holy Fuck!

Sep. 26th, 2006 | 08:04 pm
music: Steroid Maximus - Fighteous

The (totally awesome) song Fighteous from Steroid Maximus's Album Quilombo is essentially a two minute remix of the Venture Brother's OP! Fucking AWESOME.

also, 86.

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